BRACE YOURSELF ( & YOUR PHONE) MARIO CARTS IS COMING.

BRACE YOURSELF ( & YOUR PHONE) MARIO CARTS IS COMING.

Girls and boys, charge your Excitement Engines because we have some big-ass news – Mario Kart is coming to a smartphone near you. As of yet, Nintendo haven’t released full details of the game or its release date but it’s likely that the game’s release will result in commuters UK-wide replacing Candy Crush with early-morning, high-octane 2D races around Yoshi Valley, Koopa Troopa Beach (those turtles) and ultimate fucker Choco Mountain.

Nintendo took to Twitter to tell fans that the game is in development and should be with us in 2019.

When first released on the SNES in 1992, the original Super Mario Kart was so unbelievably good it was awarded a special, bespoke gold medal at the Barcelona Olympics. And they don’t even have car racing in the Olympics.

However, it was 1996’s revamped and re-released N64 edition Mario Kart 64 that cemented Mario and pals’ place in the pantheon of all-time classic console games, even though the sheer competitiveness it unleashed in humans destroyed friendships, families and one vase at my auntie’s house.

Mario Kart 64 was the N64’s second best-selling game (beaten only by Super Mario 64). Shifting almost 10 million copies, gave bananas a nutrition-free second wind and Bowser an uncomfortable looking 50cc means of transportation with which to race about in. My word, it was good.

Debate has raged for aeons as to which was the best course and tournament in the Mario Kart universe. The answer, of course (wahey), was the Mushroom Cup, mostly because it looked liked the developers had been on mushrooms while designing it.

Luigi Raceway, the first track in the game, was a deceptively simple thunderbastard of a track with an irritatingly open course that resulted in many crashes into water, pillars and inexplicably blocky green hills. Final course Kalimari Desert, meanwhile, had something extremely fishy about it (BOOM!), not least those extremely narrow wooden bridges that generally resulted in at least three pitfalls. It was glorious.

Beep. Beep.